The Girl That Everybody Wants But Nobody Wants To Have

I guess this space warrants a bit of history. 

Like other decent Emiratis, I am controlled by the reputation I have maintained since I hit puberty. The hidden objective? Marriage. 

Growing up, marriage was something that happened to other girls. I had single older relatives which meant I never realized that I was in some kind of line until the younger girls cut the line I was in. 

Before that rude interruption, I tried to enjoy life as innocently as I possibly could. Tried being the operative word. I had my share of meaningless fun but nothing that required expunging. If anything I was very prejudice towards other girls being in “relationships”. My sense of self discipline should have gotten me an award. I became known as distant and aloof. I’m not very social so I didn’t have a flock of friends, and I guess that had some kind of appeal to the opposite sex so I was never without any interested parties. 

Growing up, I never worried. Little did I know I was getting groomed to become the ultimate Emirtati wife. This meant having:

·         good breeding and lineage

·         old money

·         the right connections

·         a degree that would get me a government job that I can quit after baby numero uno

·         a face and body that would last until baby numero uno

And so I lived life not knowing that there was a grand plan in store for me. That plan was finally unveiled when we started receiving wedding for brides much younger than me. 

This was a pivotal point in my life. Marriage wasn’t defining my existence until society blamed me for not getting married. In their eyes, I wasn’t getting married because I work too hard, I study too much and I speak fluent English. 

Great. There went all the fun times I missed out on because, stupid me, I thought I was saving myself for a wonderful man in the most traditional sense possible. 

The kind of man I wanted was strong, educated and open-minded. But this man wanted someone he could control. And if he didn’t his mother certainly did. 

This realization broke me and led me to go through some very dark times in my life. Moments that I wouldn’t want to wish on anyone. It felt like I was handed the wrong manual to follow. I felt deceived. In following society’s rules, I had seamlessly ostracized myself.

I had never felt more lonely in my life.

But I’ve also had some very beautiful and loving moments that got me grounded again. These moments didn’t last long but they did give me hope. 

It is this hope that has fueled my desire to make my own happiness, and make up for lost time. This blog chronicles my attempts at finding and keeping love.

Truly,

J.